Life on Pause

Life on Pause

It’s been a couple of weeks since I got a phone call from the Gender Clinic at Charing Cross to tell me my appointment that should have been next Friday was being canceled. The appointment that I’d regarded as a key milestone along my long journey to completing my transition.

For nearly seven months since my first appointment I’d been counting the days. I had it all planned: deciding what I’d wear for different weather conditions; picturing every step of the route from door to door; working on losing weight to get my BMI below the magic 30. It was a goal and I was so motivated to work towards it.

And then I got that phone call and had it all snatched away from me. In seconds my plans evaporated leaving me directionless, crestfallen, falling as the ground beneath my feet disappeared in an instant.

For now my life feels on hold: I’m just marking time until I receive the letter with a new date. I’ve felt anger (how dare that doctor suddenly become unavailable to see me!), sadness, despair, and finally this numb emptiness. For now I can only wait.

7 thoughts on “Life on Pause

  1. Such long wait times must be so painful. I know there are some people who’s wait times are even counted in years! I counted my wait time in hours and days, literally. From the moment I said to the crisis doctor’s question why: “because I’m not a girl”, I had hormones and a therapist and surgery offered to me within a few days. And yet the stress of it all was still so utterly overwhelming, I can’t even begin to imagine how much more stressful it is to have such wait times in addition.

    I am sorry. I hope your transition is not delayed beyond tolerance.

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  2. O, I’m so sorry to hear that, that really sucks. I guess the only thing you can do is wait and keep telling yourself that this is not the end, but only a temporary setback. But, yes, I understand it is difficult, because your path had a concrete ‘bus stop’, a date, time and place, and now it’s kind of flapping loose. I see how it’s difficult to keep yourself motivated if you don’t have that concrete point to strive for. Even aside from how much you want this and how disappointed you are, this is difficult from an autism pov.

    I hope you hear from them very soon. I mean, how difficult can it be to reschedule?

    Liked by 1 person

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