Of all my symptoms of depression the one that is causing me most frustration is the loss of concentration: I am finding it difficult to focus on anything for any length of time.
I normally have very good, even exceptional powers of concentration. If I am interested in what I am doing I can happily spend hours at a time working and the time passes almost without notice: I readily enter a flow state where there feels to be little conscious effort.
But for the past five or so weeks I have found this impossible. The calm mind that I require is a distant memory and in its place is a roiling tangle of intrusive thoughts and feelings, muddying the usually limpid waters of my consciousness.
At work I am attempting to develop a new software feature that requires clear thought to achieve its design: I am making little progress. My analytical thinking is barely functional. I strongly dislike the feeling of incapacity that arises from my knowledge that only a couple of months ago I would not have encountered such obstacles.
It was uncomfortable to admit to my project manager that I was struggling: I suffer from perfectionism that affects many of the things I do. But my traitorous brain refuses to obey my commands: it is not functioning correctly. Even writing this is more difficult than usual. I sincerely hope that the medication I am taking will prove effective. I do not relish the thought of enduring this for much longer.