Attention to detail is a great strength of mine but also a weakness: so often I fail to see the forest for the trees. This is not unusual for autistic people.
I have spent the past few weeks largely absorbed in my own thoughts, stuck in a loop, following the same chains of logic over and over. No new insights were forthcoming from this exercise in futility.
State of mind affects thought, affects creativity and the ability to invent. Perhaps this change in me is a sign that the light is beginning to pierce the veil of depression. Because I am beginning to feel the stirrings of hope; the birth of fresh, new thoughts.
My feeling had been one of being stuck in a featureless limbo: no path visible through the mists, any sound deadened to oblivion. After the initial pain there was only a numb emptiness. Such numbness that I did not even recognize how lonely I was feeling.
It struck me last night: an aching loneliness as if my chest were being torn apart from the inside. I realized that I had merely been marking time, walking round the same circles again and again. Lost in the minutiae of my situation.
I have been talking to a few close friends recently, both face to face and online, and out of these conversations has emerged a path. A way forward. A goal that I can work towards. The details are unimportant: I have the overall “big picture”.
Thanks to my friends, one especially, I have found my direction, my purpose. I see the forest.