I’ll admit I’m finding things difficult right now, what with stress, anxiety and a dash of depression throw in for good measure. And always there in the back of my mind, nagging at me like a hangnail, is the feeling that I’m letting people down.
Dwelling on it doesn’t help me: I know that. Whoever said doubts have to be rational? This one certainly isn’t, but that doesn’t stop me fretting about not going to work, about causing people who care to worry about me.
I keep thinking about the project work I was supposed to have finished weeks ago: I can’t stop beating myself up over failing to meet the targets I personally set for completing it. I made promises, and I’ve broken them.
Even when I take regular leave from work I start to feel insecure after a couple of days: I distress myself, imagining that I’ll get back there only to find I’ve been forgotten, no longer have a desk or a job. Now I have to contend with that “normal” low self-esteem insecurity being bolstered by having let down everybody I work with.
I’ve talked to friends a couple of times about how I’m feeling and tried to reassure them that I’m not going to come to any harm, to put their minds at ease. And though I’m trying to do that for them I can’t put my own mind to rest: I can’t hug myself, wipe away my tears and tell myself I will be all right. So I also feel I’m letting my friends down by not being my usual self. Nobody wants to be around such a miserable, self-pitying, tearful waste of space: I’d only bring them down so I’m mostly keeping to myself. Shutting myself away behind the shield of my laptop keyboard.
I think I need to break this cycle, so to that end I’m going to push myself to go out and spend time with people. Hopefully it will distract my mind from how I’m feeling. And that’s got to be a good thing.