Handling strong emotions is extraordinarily difficult. Trying to keep them under control – rein them in – is like trying to close a suitcase packed with so many clothes that they threaten to burst out from every side.
I am caught in the currents of my feelings, one minute floating calmly and the next being pulled under by the rip tide or whirled around in a maelstrom of despair before sinking down in darkness. The illusion of control lies shattered around me as I huddle fetus-like in the middle of an barren landscape, no feature to break the monotonous emptiness fading to the horizon in every direction. Out here there is only loneliness. No sound. No breeze. Nothing moves, not even me. Yet within my mind nothing is still: huge, demanding thoughts and emotions slug it out in a battle for my attention while I struggle to avoid being overwhelmed.
And then, as softly sudden as the bursting of a soap bubble, the turmoil subsides and I experience a period of relative calm.
I feel the need to escape – a basic animal instinct to flee from threat. But there is no path to the place that draws me because it exists only in my memories, in the past. An illusory golden history, a carefree time of happiness. An amalgam of times and places synthesized into idyllic fantasy. Such a temptation!… to slip away into this perfect dream world.
A number of factors have likely contributed to my current state of mind but they all boil down to one thing: change. Too much has changed and is changing in too short a space of time and it all pushes me out of my comfortable routine existence into an unstable, unpredictable, disorientating state of uncertainty and confusion. I’ve not been sleeping well as a result, compounding the problem with tiredness – I feel tattered, ragged, frayed, worn out.
Please, somebody stop the world. I want to get off – I’ve had enough of this ride.
2 thoughts on “Breakdown Timebomb”
Story of my life…my adult life, that is. I'm 21, just finishing my first semester at college. I just discovered Asperger's thanks to my fiancee and her mother, and I relate so much to everything I've read of yours so far. In fact, it explains not only the severe depression I've had for well over a year now, but all sorts of other quirks and struggles I've had my whole life.Sometimes it just sucks, sometimes the positives are great. Even worse are the sometimes where I suddenly swing from feeling okay to totally depressed and alone. It seems to be getting worse as I get older, but hopefully finally knowing what it is will help me deal with it better.I'm a writer too, and I love your way with words. You definitely have talent.
Hi Matthew. Thank you, you're very kind.