Writing can only achieve so much. There are times when I feel I am holding in so many silent thoughts, so much unexpressed emotion that I get mentally exhausted. It’s difficult – if not impossible – to let go, to let it out. Like a locked door to which I do not possess the key. The pressure builds up behind the barriers and the strain makes me fractious.
Mental tension leads to physical tension, that characteristic tightening across the shoulders causing muscular discomfort, aches and pains. How can I relieve this stress? Get things off my mind?
It doesn’t help that I subconsciously avoid analyzing the causes of my feelings. As if afraid to confront them head-on I avoid letting my inner eye gaze long upon them. Must avoid eye contact, even in here. So these nebulous concerns accumulate while I refuse to reify them, to give them substance, because that would require that I acknowledge their presence and admit that I cannot handle them.
But admit to whom? To speak of such things to another would need such a degree of candor – such openness – that I would feel too exposed and vulnerable, succumbing in that instant to overwhelming fear, and hastily slam the shutters closed.
To what kind of person could I reveal the detailed depths of my inner turmoil? Whom could I trust implicitly to keep the secrets of my soul safe from the sight of others? It’s a puzzle, to be sure – I would have to know somebody well to feel comfortable enough to consider opening up, but having done so I could not subsequently feel comfortable around them. It would be as if I were laid bare. So I end up believing that exploiting such a level of trust would destroy it.
The end result is that I continue to accumulate the hurt and pain, trying to keep it locked away from my day-to-day thoughts. Trying to appear carefree, chasing distractions and amusements that will occupy my mind for a while and give me some respite. Until the darkness returns, as it inevitably will, since I cannot open my mind’s doors and let in the light. I am simply not able to talk about me.
My Autistic Dance 
Interestingly (or perhaps not!) I've been through a similar period of existence. I used to call it my 'white noise' akin to a radio being slightly off tune so when there wasn't speech or music being played the 'hiss' came to the fore.I discovered that you can distract yourself for alot of the time, but, inevitably, the time comes around when the 'white noise' returns. Eventually, I did get counselling and found speaking to a stranger (a psychologist who I was never likely to meet socially) did help. I unburdened myself on him and then, walked away. It was like giving him the load. As an interesting side effect, it did give me the ability to speak more freely to others. I now indulge in an activity which forces me to interact with others, I have to it's all part of the act, but that's exactly what it is, an act, and the interaction is on my terms and, subtely, defers the attention away from me either to what I'm doing, or the other person (or indeed, sometime what I'm doing to or with the other person!). I enjoy the plaudits and applause but the bottom line is, they are applauding what I've done, not me, they barely or rarely even know the real "Me". Having laid myself bare, I'm going to protect that by posting as anonymous – is that a contradiction or an irony? I'll see you soon Ben, then you'll know who I am 😉
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Oh Ben, what you wrote resonated with me very much. I see this in my son so much of the time. He really bottled up everything and it has come out in physical issues and comes out in other ways too. Finding a counselor that he clicked with helped him a lot. He's still working on it all, still getting it all out, but having that trust and knowing the person is not going to say anything to anyone and honestly accepts him as whom he is and is there for him if he needs that too, is extremely helpful. In fact, he wants more of it. He found that by opening himself up that that was truly what he needed, even when he cannot talk about some things as of yet, he will eventually get there.As for me, bottling things up, I think, helped make me as sick as I am today. I didn't get out and talk it out. I had so much trouble doing that and trusting someone. Now I too talk to a counselor and am finding that it is difficult, but it's beginning to help a lot. She's really awesome, totally understanding, and is not your run of the mill therapist. She's actually someone I would be friends with if this were not a professional relationship. I hope that you can find someone you feel that comfortable with too. It does help to get things out in the open with someone safe and to work through things if need be. It's so difficult carrying that around all the time. I really hope that you can release some of this and find the trust you need in someone.
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Thank you Bird. I have a lot going on right now, outside of work which I believe is helping me keep going – it's a respite during which I can keep my mind occupied and not dwell on things. But that is only postponing having to handle them.I feel that I ought to consider finding somebody to speak to in a professional capacity. I need to unburden my mind.
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I hope you find someone. I know what you mean by postponing… I've been doing a bit of that myself lately.
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I understand the difficulty in speaking thoughts and feelings to others. It's as if I have a strong desire for privacy and a large amount of basic distrust. My Aspie son rarely speaks but I am helping him to start sharing with me.Myself, I very much enjoy…hmmm, yeah, I guess that's the right word, I enjoy having a nonjudgmental therapist with whom I can speak about anything, everything and whatever I wish. She understands Aspergers, otherwise it would be impossible to confide in her.I have a scant few…most of the time no one to talk to who listens and comprehends my AspieSpeak. That is the main reason I started blogging. I have a voice. My blog listens and conveys my thinking. People read and I am heard and made…real.
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