My tears won’t come. I feel so close to breaking down in tears lately but for some reason I just can’t do it – my eyes remain resolutely dry. Although inside I might be despairing, on the outside there are no cracks in my mask.
Only the people reading this have any idea of the pain I carry inside. I am not able to show it or speak out about it. So I write instead and expose my feelings in this way.
Few of the people I have seen over the past few days will have garnered any hint of my hurt. I have kept it inside. I can still speak to them, laugh along with them, give every appearance of being my usual self while under the surface I am in turmoil. I actively hide it these days.
One if the factors that makes handling it more difficult is that I can’t talk about how I feel to anyone. I don’t mean that there is nobody I feel close enough to; what I mean is that I am literally not able to speak about my feelings. When I am under the added pressure of oral communication the words get stuck in my throat and I can’t get them out – I become mute.
It is not that the words themselves are blocked. Rather it is that I have a flood of words running through my mind but such is the intensity of emotion accompanying them that I involuntarily shut down. I would not even be able to read what I have written out loud.
Tears, words and other demonstrations of my emotions are not something I merely find difficult: they are mentally and physically almost impossible. Instead I am sitting here into the small hours again, writing these words as my way of dealing with my emotional pain. And by expressing my feelings in this way I am better able to cope with them.
2 thoughts on “I Can’t Cry Any More”
I feel so much of what you are saying. And while I know I cannot experience things the same way as you do, I feel like I can understand what you are writing. Words, when I am hurting (and even with almost any strong emotion to them) become these surges in my mind and almost trip over themselves and confuse the way to my mouth. Sometimes it is like being stunned from deep within and the shock keeps them confined. I hope that you will continue to write and work things out the way that works best for you and that you find that this helps you climb out of that dark place soon.
Thank you Bird.While I'm still at a vulnerable point in my cycle I feel that I'm heading back up again. I have some issues to be resolved that will take a deal of effort on my part but they no longer seem so insurmountable.Feedback such as your comment and from people face-to-face has brought a measure of comfort. I will certainly continue to write – it is something I love doing and it helps me a great deal – having a means of expressing my feelings is a calming release.