Feeling Down

Feeling Down

Depression is a fact of life for many Aspies. I find I go in cycles. I can be fine for months and then things will build up and overwhelm me again. Occasionally the depression is deep enough that I contemplate just killing myself and putting an end to it.

On a couple of occasions over the past 10 years I have attempted to commit suicide by taking a handful (literally a hand full of course: I’m an Aspie) of pills but they just made me vomit and that was their only effect. I wasn’t looking for help or attention; I made sure I was alone and wouldn’t be missed quickly. And until I wrote about it here only my wife knew.

Depression is emphatically not a shutdown although I find it contributes to them. I can often carry on my day-to-day life despite feeling depressed: it just tends to make me quieter and less inclined to interact with people. At work I will restrict my interactions to the minimum necessary to get the job done. This means I can go through whole weeks without conversing with any of my colleagues except when it’s work-related.

I have never suffered from loneliness. I am very comfortable in my own company; in fact I often prefer to be on my own because being around other people can be so stress-inducing. I think sometimes that stress of interacting with other people helps bring me down. It is the mental exhaustion which results from having to maintain such a high level of focus. Just so that I can hold a conversation in a social setting. Is it worth the effort? I sometimes wonder.

Right now I am feeling down but not (yet) depressed. I have worked 8 hours in my main job followed by 6 very busy hours in my second job as a barman so I am physically tired. Yet I am sitting here past 3am, writing this, because I have to deal with my feelings and writing helps.

My incipient depression might be put off for a while or it might hit me tomorrow. I don’t know. I know that the main cause this time is a strained relationship with somebody I’m close to. I just can’t seem to connect at the moment. They think I don’t care because I don’t show or express feelings much and have been unintentionally hurtful towards me. They are also not aware how much they are hurting me when they tell me I don’t care.

I feel like I should be used to it after experiencing it for so much of my life but I can’t help still feeling hurt when I get called cold or unfeeling.